12/12 - The End

"And then it was done. Over with. Never to happen again."
- Lover Unbound

One year Würzburg is over. I'm back in Dortmund writing this. Still it feels unreal.

What did I learn? That it is okay to feel upset sometimes. That I am more confident than I thought. That not all people are supposed to stay in your life. That I am the one who has to be satisfied with what I do and say, not others. That I love my hometown more than I thought. That my writing, my photography and other things I do at work are not that bad. I learned to cheer for a local handball team and develop loyality for them. I learned to let go on things that make me feel unhappy.
And so much more.

I think I changed much during this year. I developed, became more confident. I can handle certain situations better than before, but I also became more cynical. 

This year away gave me many wonderful people I already miss. It gave me Pia, my Rock'n'Roll Queen and girl crush number one. It gave me Kristian, who is such a good friend (if only he would be able to finally handle the situation). It gave me Caro and Natalie, my sportsgirls and wolves. It gave me Annabell, my crazy and creative bunny friend. It gave me Susi, Caro and Felix, most amazing interns I worked with and such cool persons. It gave me Brigitte and Davide, sweetest couple and awesome friends. It gave me Anna, nature lover and advice machine. It gave me Meike, most fun person to ever work with. It gave me Lena, as bitter and cynical as me but also such a funny girl. It gave me Ralf, a colleague to have a good time with. It gave me my roommate Anna even more, sharing the times we never had together before. Most of all, it gave me Svenja, best friend and sister, my shelter in the roaring storm, my anchor in the raging sea. 

Now that this is over, I try to get back to normal life. I try to regain the things I neglected, especially sports and creativity, writing and photography. This year away also made me feel closer to my friends at home as I learned how much I miss them when they are not around.

Would I do this again? Probably yes. It feels good to be back at home though. But this year is a part of me now, this city is something I called home, these people are part of my life. I'm not going to let them go.

And when it comes to these friends I had to leave, there's just this one thing Brent Smith always says: It's never goodbye - it's just 'till next time.


11/12 - Rollercoaster Ride

It's almost over. 

This became so clear to me it almost hurts physically. Three more weeks and this will be over. This whole year will just be done. But I feel like I can't leave before I finished some things. 

This last month, I took a pause from all of this and flew to London with Svenja. Being miles away helped to clear thoughts and mind. I can't say in words how beautiful this city is and I know it was a mistake to leave it and come back. But that's what we did because we had to. 

I spent one week here, being weird and somehow beautiful, and my mom was there to spend some time with me. We headed back home together for my birthday then. It was like waking up and realizing how amazing the people surrounding me are. It was good to see them, beautiful to talk to them, almost hurt to laugh with them. This is the point where I have to say it again: I love my family and friends. 

And then I went back here and things got even more weird. My brother came with me and again I had a beautiful night out with friends whom I'll miss so badly when I'll leave. 

Then one of my roommates left. It's so strange to see her now empty room and imagine she'd lived there only weeks ago. It's not the three of us anymore. It's not the same. And it reminded me so brutally of how short our time left here is. 

So how do I feel about it? I'm torn apart. I can't wait to get back with my family and friends, but I can't stand leaving those I met here. Especially some of them. I can't imagine not going to see handball games with Natalie and Caro every second weekend. I can't imagine not going out drinking with Pia anymore. I can't believe not trying to find a way to meet that one boy anymore. But all of this doesn't matter because that's just what will happen. 
And I can't imagine not falling apart because of that.


10/12 - Emotionally all over the place

I don't even remember June specifically now. I only know it's been a rollercoaster ride. It started with me flying high and got me to the edge of despair, pushed me over and I crashed so hard into reality, it felt like I broke every single bone in my body.

I had two wonderful friends here with me, made a new one I hope, and went on a ride to Lübeck to experience the saddest ending of a story ever. 

I got another tattoo, together with my sister from another mister, Svenja, and fell in love with my friends here and at home even more. I ran more than seven kilometers because I was so stupid to think this wouldn't be the worst idea of my life. 

This last month, I started to realize that I won't be here for long now. This thought is so scary, I don't really know how to deal with it. This fact plus some people in this city twisted and turned me and made me so happy and so sad in the exactly same moment. I fear they don't even know. And especially don't understand.

There's not much to say about this month. It was there, but it wasn't and I can't explain why it feels like this, but it does. 

A paradox. One of my last ones here.


In the end it doesn't even matter

I know I still have to say something about how June went for me and all that, but right now, there's something way more important to talk about, a topic only looked at from a distant point of view, treated as if it wasn't even real. 


I've lived with someone who suffers from depression and didn't ask for help for seven very long years. No will to get up, to do things - even the smallest things - not even if they make you happy. It's hard to understand, but people tend to be ignorant assholes when it comes to this. They tend to say things like "hey, that's not that worse" or "just try to be happy". They tend to think it's easy to say "Hi, I have a depression." And yes, they tend to say "suicide is not a solution and it hurts the people who love you."

The last one might be true, but it's not that depressed people don't know. They just don't know how to go on because they see that they hurt the ones they love anyways. Because depression hits hard on everyone you surround with it, even those who are not depressed but care about someone who is.

But it is not that easy.

It's not that easy to open up to anyone. Because people are ignorant assholes. Because depression isn't taken serious. Because it is so damn hard to open up and show the weakest side of you, the one that hurts so terribly, the one you are even afraid of. It is damn hard to talk about this stranger inside. Because people will judge. And that's when finally, all you want to do is escape.

I know more than just one person who feels or felt like this. People that are close to me, people I love. Brent Smith says: "The will to live will always outweight the ability to die." I adore this man, and this gives strength to many, but it is not true for all of us. Those who think about suicide do not talk about it. They are too afraid to open up, too ashamed or maybe they tried and all they got were judgemental looks and words. 

So, for hell's sake, just listen to the words unspoken. Just look closely. Ask people how they feel.
And do not fucking judge them for anything they say or feel. I know so many who won't talk about their problems because the feel they are too small to the world. That's not true! This is not a competition, it's just feelings. It doesn't matter if someone else feels worse or has problems that are worse than yours. If you have something in your live that makes you feel upset, that bothers you and that pushes you to the edge of despair, it's important and it's not too small for anyone to listen to it. Then it has to be taken seriously. 

Go out there, listen to your friends, family and lovers and tell them how much you care for them.

Don't fucking judge what you don't understand. 

Depression killed Chester Bennington and it killed Chris Cornell and Robin Williams. That's what we see and what shocks us. But it does kill millions of people everyday. Even if they don't commit suicide. Because it kills them anyways, deep inside. 

Lend a helping hand. Ask for help. I know it's hard, but we have to talk about this. It is real. It is dangerous. It is a desease. And it hits more of us than we might think.


09/12 - I know where I come from

Time flies by just as fast, another month finished. I got to work in the sports office of the newspaper I currently work for and got to collect some amazingly funny memories, mainly due to the two girls there: Caro and Natalie.

We had some crazy times in the office and also in private, visiting sports events together. And having a few drinks afterwards. 

I grew up in a handball family, played it all my life and still enjoy it, also watching it. I didn't play much since I moved here, but watched even more because of the second league handball team here. It's amazing how fast you grow out loyality towards a sports team. My roommate Svenja and me both went to as many games as possible, had a really good time there, sometimes just a second away from a heart attack.

As a girl from Dortmund, I know how it is to have one kind of sports dominating all media. We're a football city. Always were. Always will be. But Würzburg has the amazing chance of three big sportsteams in one city: handball, basketball and football. So I don't really see why there's only one team dominating media here, too. 

I realized this during my time in our sports office. However, I know where I come from and that's a handball family in a football city. I will always sympathize with the handball teams. 

I got a feeling that May also brought more cool people and closer relationships to those already there. To name those coming to my mind: Anna B., Felix, Natalie, Caro, Susi and Pia. Two really close friends came here to make one more weekend just perfect (Caro & Anneke, this goes out to you). I also went home for another seminar at university and met all the gold people - a hilarious night with the most fantastic "Don't look back in Anger" moment. 

I also spent another few wonderful days at home home, means Texel, with the whole family. I don't understand how I can ever leave this place. But I'm back here, and I'm making the most of it with the most amazing people here. 


08/12 - The Month That Didn't Exist

Was there an April this year? Because I think we just skipped it. There are four more months for me here in this city, and it just started to be difficult again.

Everything went just fine for me at the beginning of April even though I hadn't been home for six weeks. But that was okay. And then I went on a beautiful holiday with my parents for two beautiful weeks. I went home to the place I missed most, the second home I already have: Texel.

I spent much time with my parents as my brother couldn't come with us. It was amazing. It felt so so good. I felt so home and cared for and comforted. One week of sand and the sea, of wind and rain and sunshine, of bike tours and long beach walks, of evenings with my parents and me watching series and being comfortable with life. Leaving never hurt so bad.
Back home, I spend another two days with my dad and brother (as mom stayed on Texel) and it was so hilarious again. And then I had to go back here.

Don't get me wrong, I got used to this place and I really missed my roomies and I got people here that are important to me. However, coming back here just felt as if it was the first time, as if I had to start all over again.
It brought me down, made me upset, even desperate because I couldn't help this feeling of being lost and lonely. I had to get used to everything and everyone again and that made me sad and even more desperate.

I don't know if it's okay now. I only know one thing that made me really happy, that helped me forget how sad I felt - for only 45 minutes, but at least I had them. Because I went to see Shinedown opening an Iron Maiden show. I spent 80 euros to see these guys and when I entered that hall, I barely could hold back the tears.

I'm simply lucky to have my roomies having my back, taking care of me. And I'll be home again, soon. There are four months to come now, and I'm not sure if I want them to be over soon or not.


Shinedown rules forever

It's been almost a year since I went to my last Shinedown show. And I didn't expect to see the guys this year because the headline tour in Europe I'm desperately waiting for is still not announced. However, the guys are around here with Iron Maiden right now, opening the shows for the legend.

I'm not into Maiden at all and the dates weren't set good for me at first, so I didn't get a ticket. But then I heard more dates had been added, and one was yesterday in Frankfurt, only a one-hour-drive from here. I had no ticket, but I spontaneously decided to simply drive to Frankfurt and see what'll happen.

Long story short, I bought a ticket for 80 € to see 45 minutes of Shinedown basically.

I know that's insane. I simply needed to see them. Desperately. I wasn't feeling good the last days due to leaving my family again and returning to Würzburg. I don't know what exactly, but it hit me hard. Shinedown is the only band that can always cheer me up and so I just went there.

When I entered the hall fifteen minutes late, they were just playing "How Did You Love" and I could barely hold back the tears. Not because of the song, but because of seeing these four guys. Because they made me so happy. And strong. It just felt like my other family was up on stage in front of me.

These 45 minutes I had with them were short, way too short, but they were perfect. Zach Myers, guitarist of the band, waved at me when he saw me and threw a drumstick and a pick for me (I didn't get thr stick, though). I'm still about to cry when I think back to these moments.

I know it's hard for these men to leave their families behind, too. That's why I felt even more connected to them. And I am beyond grateful for what they do to me without even knowing it. And I want to give something back, but I fear I don't have much to give but a few words on a blog nobody reads.

I only wish I could tell them in person what they, their music and everything they stand for mean to me. But maybe, one day. As we all know: It's never goodbye, it's just 'till next time.