11/15/2017

This is my "Wake Up Call"

It’s been almost three weeks now since the new Theory of a Deadman record Wake Up Call was released. After the first single “Rx” came out, I was convinced this album would be awesome. Turned out I was right. Eleven artistic and amazing songs made my life easier, inspired me, touched me.

I will only talk about some songs here because I don’t want to be repetitive.

The first one I want to point out is the first song of the record, “Straight Jacket”. I loved it from the very first moment because of the impressive lyrics and the so different style. It’s always great to listen to a band developing and not producing the same album over and over again, like Zach Myers of Shinedown always says. Theory of a Deadman definitely developed with this record, and “Straight Jacket” makes it easy to hear. It focuses on rhythm, has a lot of poetic, poetry slam like lyrics. You just have to jam along.

“Rx” is another outstanding song. Firstly, the topic is so important and it’s quite brave to talk about it in public and to feed the fans with this song, this topic before they know anything else about the album. The atmosphere in this musical piece of art reflects life and it helped me through times of trouble.

My favorite song of “Wake Up Call” at the moment is “G.O.A.T.”  a play on words I had to get first, but then I loved it. I like the way you can listen to it ironically as well as taking it seriously and still get the message I think it conveys: that we all work hard and none of us is perfect as we are all human beings, but still we try and have this dream about being more than human somehow.

One more song: “Loner”. This is the one song I’m most thankful for as it is so important for people to listen and understand this. I’m not sure if any of the and members would be defined a “loner” but it doesn’t matter as the song only says: it’s okay. Be whatever you want. You don’t have to live up to everything society expects, and we all should watch ourselves a little more closely, care a little more, listen a little more carefully. I feel like I’m in this exact position right now, in the process of understanding this and this song came to me just in time.

So that
’s just four of eleven great songs. I recommend: Buy the whole record, listen to it as a whole. It tells a story; about the band and the way these guys have come, but also about yourself. It is a very emotional record and you really should give it a try.

Here’s a song to start with: "Rx" by Theory of a Deadman

10/22/2017

Sleep Heavenly

Animals inspire me. They are pure, natural and always honest in their own way. I am the one that doesn't care if a human being dies in a movie as long as you keep the animal alive.

Now that fall has come, many animals become more calm and rest and sleep much. And they look simply adorable, so I thought I'd share this with you.





 

9/01/2017

12/12 - The End


"And then it was done. Over with. Never to happen again."
- Lover Unbound

One year Würzburg is over. I'm back in Dortmund writing this. Still it feels unreal.

What did I learn? That it is okay to feel upset sometimes. That I am more confident than I thought. That not all people are supposed to stay in your life. That I am the one who has to be satisfied with what I do and say, not others. That I love my hometown more than I thought. That my writing, my photography and other things I do at work are not that bad. I learned to cheer for a local handball team and develop loyality for them. I learned to let go on things that make me feel unhappy.
And so much more.

I think I changed much during this year. I developed, became more confident. I can handle certain situations better than before, but I also became more cynical. 

This year away gave me many wonderful people I already miss. It gave me Pia, my Rock'n'Roll Queen and girl crush number one. It gave me Kristian, who is such a good friend (if only he would be able to finally handle the situation). It gave me Caro and Natalie, my sportsgirls and wolves. It gave me Annabell, my crazy and creative bunny friend. It gave me Susi, Caro and Felix, most amazing interns I worked with and such cool persons. It gave me Brigitte and Davide, sweetest couple and awesome friends. It gave me Anna, nature lover and advice machine. It gave me Meike, most fun person to ever work with. It gave me Lena, as bitter and cynical as me but also such a funny girl. It gave me Ralf, a colleague to have a good time with. It gave me my roommate Anna even more, sharing the times we never had together before. Most of all, it gave me Svenja, best friend and sister, my shelter in the roaring storm, my anchor in the raging sea. 

Now that this is over, I try to get back to normal life. I try to regain the things I neglected, especially sports and creativity, writing and photography. This year away also made me feel closer to my friends at home as I learned how much I miss them when they are not around.

Would I do this again? Probably yes. It feels good to be back at home though. But this year is a part of me now, this city is something I called home, these people are part of my life. I'm not going to let them go.

And when it comes to these friends I had to leave, there's just this one thing Brent Smith always says: It's never goodbye - it's just 'till next time.

8/09/2017

11/12 - Rollercoaster Ride

It's almost over. 

This became so clear to me it almost hurts physically. Three more weeks and this will be over. This whole year will just be done. But I feel like I can't leave before I finished some things. 

This last month, I took a pause from all of this and flew to London with Svenja. Being miles away helped to clear thoughts and mind. I can't say in words how beautiful this city is and I know it was a mistake to leave it and come back. But that's what we did because we had to. 

I spent one week here, being weird and somehow beautiful, and my mom was there to spend some time with me. We headed back home together for my birthday then. It was like waking up and realizing how amazing the people surrounding me are. It was good to see them, beautiful to talk to them, almost hurt to laugh with them. This is the point where I have to say it again: I love my family and friends. 

And then I went back here and things got even more weird. My brother came with me and again I had a beautiful night out with friends whom I'll miss so badly when I'll leave. 

Then one of my roommates left. It's so strange to see her now empty room and imagine she'd lived there only weeks ago. It's not the three of us anymore. It's not the same. And it reminded me so brutally of how short our time left here is. 

So how do I feel about it? I'm torn apart. I can't wait to get back with my family and friends, but I can't stand leaving those I met here. Especially some of them. I can't imagine not going to see handball games with Natalie and Caro every second weekend. I can't imagine not going out drinking with Pia anymore. I can't believe not trying to find a way to meet that one boy anymore. But all of this doesn't matter because that's just what will happen. 
And I can't imagine not falling apart because of that.

7/26/2017

10/12 - Emotionally all over the place


I don't even remember June specifically now. I only know it's been a rollercoaster ride. It started with me flying high and got me to the edge of despair, pushed me over and I crashed so hard into reality, it felt like I broke every single bone in my body.

I had two wonderful friends here with me, made a new one I hope, and went on a ride to Lübeck to experience the saddest ending of a story ever. 

I got another tattoo, together with my sister from another mister, Svenja, and fell in love with my friends here and at home even more. I ran more than seven kilometers because I was so stupid to think this wouldn't be the worst idea of my life. 

This last month, I started to realize that I won't be here for long now. This thought is so scary, I don't really know how to deal with it. This fact plus some people in this city twisted and turned me and made me so happy and so sad in the exactly same moment. I fear they don't even know. And especially don't understand.

There's not much to say about this month. It was there, but it wasn't and I can't explain why it feels like this, but it does. 

A paradox. One of my last ones here.

7/21/2017

In the end it doesn't even matter

I know I still have to say something about how June went for me and all that, but right now, there's something way more important to talk about, a topic only looked at from a distant point of view, treated as if it wasn't even real. 

Depression.

I've lived with someone who suffers from depression and didn't ask for help for seven very long years. No will to get up, to do things - even the smallest things - not even if they make you happy. It's hard to understand, but people tend to be ignorant assholes when it comes to this. They tend to say things like "hey, that's not that worse" or "just try to be happy". They tend to think it's easy to say "Hi, I have a depression." And yes, they tend to say "suicide is not a solution and it hurts the people who love you."

The last one might be true, but it's not that depressed people don't know. They just don't know how to go on because they see that they hurt the ones they love anyways. Because depression hits hard on everyone you surround with it, even those who are not depressed but care about someone who is.

But it is not that easy.

It's not that easy to open up to anyone. Because people are ignorant assholes. Because depression isn't taken serious. Because it is so damn hard to open up and show the weakest side of you, the one that hurts so terribly, the one you are even afraid of. It is damn hard to talk about this stranger inside. Because people will judge. And that's when finally, all you want to do is escape.

I know more than just one person who feels or felt like this. People that are close to me, people I love. Brent Smith says: "The will to live will always outweight the ability to die." I adore this man, and this gives strength to many, but it is not true for all of us. Those who think about suicide do not talk about it. They are too afraid to open up, too ashamed or maybe they tried and all they got were judgemental looks and words. 

So, for hell's sake, just listen to the words unspoken. Just look closely. Ask people how they feel.
And do not fucking judge them for anything they say or feel. I know so many who won't talk about their problems because the feel they are too small to the world. That's not true! This is not a competition, it's just feelings. It doesn't matter if someone else feels worse or has problems that are worse than yours. If you have something in your live that makes you feel upset, that bothers you and that pushes you to the edge of despair, it's important and it's not too small for anyone to listen to it. Then it has to be taken seriously. 

Go out there, listen to your friends, family and lovers and tell them how much you care for them.

Don't fucking judge what you don't understand. 

Depression killed Chester Bennington and it killed Chris Cornell and Robin Williams. That's what we see and what shocks us. But it does kill millions of people everyday. Even if they don't commit suicide. Because it kills them anyways, deep inside. 

Lend a helping hand. Ask for help. I know it's hard, but we have to talk about this. It is real. It is dangerous. It is a desease. And it hits more of us than we might think.

6/05/2017

09/12 - I know where I come from


Time flies by just as fast, another month finished. I got to work in the sports office of the newspaper I currently work for and got to collect some amazingly funny memories, mainly due to the two girls there: Caro and Natalie.

We had some crazy times in the office and also in private, visiting sports events together. And having a few drinks afterwards. 

I grew up in a handball family, played it all my life and still enjoy it, also watching it. I didn't play much since I moved here, but watched even more because of the second league handball team here. It's amazing how fast you grow out loyality towards a sports team. My roommate Svenja and me both went to as many games as possible, had a really good time there, sometimes just a second away from a heart attack.

As a girl from Dortmund, I know how it is to have one kind of sports dominating all media. We're a football city. Always were. Always will be. But Würzburg has the amazing chance of three big sportsteams in one city: handball, basketball and football. So I don't really see why there's only one team dominating media here, too. 

I realized this during my time in our sports office. However, I know where I come from and that's a handball family in a football city. I will always sympathize with the handball teams. 

I got a feeling that May also brought more cool people and closer relationships to those already there. To name those coming to my mind: Anna B., Felix, Natalie, Caro, Susi and Pia. Two really close friends came here to make one more weekend just perfect (Caro & Anneke, this goes out to you). I also went home for another seminar at university and met all the gold people - a hilarious night with the most fantastic "Don't look back in Anger" moment. 

I also spent another few wonderful days at home home, means Texel, with the whole family. I don't understand how I can ever leave this place. But I'm back here, and I'm making the most of it with the most amazing people here.